The National Endowment for the Farts

I went out the back door and came through the
and there was Captain Eddie sitting by his
and he said,
“I just shot down 3 bloody huns.”
I slipped him a bromide
then walked down to the drugstore for my
there was trouble with the credit card.
there was no response.
“I got it in Latvia,” I told the girl.
“oh, that’s all right then,” she said
and walked around the counter,
unzipped me
and doused my pecker in a mass of
I purchased some chewing gum
grabbed my card and got the hell out
of there.
I walked down to Marty’s Diner
sat on a stool
and ordered 3 axel steaks,
the place started shaking
and somebody yelled “EARTHQUAKE!”
it was a fat old woman with eyes
like peach seeds.
I walked over, jammed open her
mouth and shoved in one of the
axel steaks.
then I took out her tits and scotch-
taped them to the
I walked out and found a dead raven
fucking a dead squirrel.
and I pay taxes too.
I walked down to the movie house.
it was just starting.
a guy with a head the size of the Grand
Canyon had fallen in love
with a lady bus driver.
he tried to get into her bus to kiss
her on whatever
but he only ripped the door loose
and got a bloody ear.
it was sad.

she kept telling him to get
he gave it up and ran down the
with   every squad car of the
blazing guns at his
the woman in front of me farted and
I whipped out my pud and beat it
the movie ended with the guy with the
head the size of the Grand Canyon
running down to the
where he leaps in
sending waves up 5,000 feet high,
all you see is this big head screaming,
then this HUGE octopus appears
just out of nowhere and all these
tendrils enfold the head
and then the ocean is quiet like a
red lake
and we flash back to the bus lady
who has trapped a
little crippled boy in the back of
the bus
and she is showing him her
huge hairy snatch
and the unbelievable terror in
his eyes
brings a large flash of
which lashes through the bus
lady’s heart and turns her into
a statue   of Abraham Lincoln in the
park, pigeon drippings and
as the movie ends
I walk out and back to my place
and Captain Eddie is still standing
by his Spad
and he says, “I just cut off my left ball
with a straight razor, no shit,
I go inside, take a dump, then I
walk out to the tv, turn it on
and a spray of wet shit hits me in
the face.

I look up and my girlfriend Marta is
looking at me.
she’s dressed in dead razor blades
and says,
“I just cleaned up this place, when
the hell ya gonna get straight?”
I switch channels, get the weather man
who is eating a live
then I remembered:    I forgot to pay
the rent.
I took out my gun and blew out the
front sliding doors.
then I told Marta, “I want to eat
some axel steaks tonight!”
“again?” she asked.
“yes,” I said,
then I snapped off the tv and went
to sleep.

Charles Bukowski
Original manuscript