my instructor

god, he said, I look at Miss Martha
she weighs 225 pounds
I hate to go home
when I get there I keep short ones
all around
I keep needing them.
and she says,
‘what the hell you doing?   nipping

I have to get up my nerve to
do it
I can’t do it sober.
the other night she said,
‘well, you finally got your cock
in there!’
‘yeah,’ I said, ‘now put some pussy
around that thing!’

all right now, remember, if you
get caught drunk driving again within
2 years you will get at least 48 hours
in jail.   and if it’s a felony drunk
driving you’ll get one to five years.

remember if you drink one can of beer
your blood count is .03

the CHIPS will always be looking
for you
stay off the Harbor Freeway
that’s their happy hunting ground.

Miss Martha, she drives bad when she’s
sober, she’s always mad:
‘save your shit for your class!’
she tells me.

my god, how long we been there?
does anybody have the time?
is that all?
you know, I used to teach a
doper class, I think I’m going
back to that.

all right, now we’ve got to
take a test to prove that you
been listening.
remember that the making of
alcohol is a natural and not an
artificial process
you must not drive a car 24
hours after drinking
until your probation is
over.   and under the law of
implied consent you must take a
blood test, a urine test or blow
into the breathalizer or your license is
automatically suspended for 6
months.   don’t worry about the
the test is easy
everybody got a pencil?

hmmm…well, look, while you’re working
I’m going to draw this on the
board.   do you recognize
these are the vaginal lips, see?
and this is the old
now some guys like this
I like the natural flavor…

but with Miss Martha, see
this hole way down here?   you
know what that is
well, with Miss Martha that hole
is tighter and better than the
other hole.   that is the hole
I use.

remember that in the state of California you
are not considered drunk unless the breathalizer
reads .10
each state has a different
reading.   Arizona, I think has .18 and
in New Mexico they don’t call you drunk
until that breathalizer reads
which would give you and me
a good reason
to live in New Mexico
but the only reason.

you ever noticed cops all look
a certain way?
they take hours getting ready
like they’re going to the
senior prom.
and you noticed their pants
from the back?
they all have heart-shaped asses
they all have Valentine asses
I wonder why that

now, Henry, you’d never make a
cop.   and you neither, Morry.
and, Carlos, no use for you.   now
Lincoln, you get some of that red
out of your face
you might make it
I know it cost you plenty of money
for that red
but you might make it
and, Eddie, you might slip
and, Richard, I noticed
you just don’t have a
Valentine ass

have we finished this
pass them to the front

shit, what time is it

you know, I took a vow once
that everytime I took a drink
I’d shave the hair off my
I’ve had 507 self-imposed

that Miss Martha, she’s driving
me crazy
I’ve got to slip out for a few

before I can face her
she’s sitting in that big red
‘Hiram,’ she’ll say, ‘come on and
bulldoze me!’
225 pounds of her waiting and
talking that shit
and just what it would take
to move
a fucking bulldozer!
when I met her she weighed
168 and now I’m 149 and still
going down like pebbles into the

o.k., now, don’t worry about these
what’s this?
Carlos, it says to circle the correct
answer of a, b, or c, and you’ve
circled all 3 all the way
well, shit, don’t worry because
I guess in a way
you got 100 percent.

all right, this wraps up the

if you’re sick and can’t make
it: PHONE IN!   then we’ll have
something to tell the people.
you’ve got the flu, your house
burned down….   hell, you guys
don’t have houses–your room
burnt down
you had to take your wife
to the madhouse
everybody got the number?
well, shit, they took away
my wheels, I don’t have
anybody driving south, down
around Santa Barbara and
I need a ride.   Miss Martha
is waiting for me in that
big red chair.

Charles Bukowski
Original manuscript
This poem appeared in the following books: