my instructor

god, he said, I look at Miss Martha
she weighs 225 pounds
I hate to go home
when I get there I keep short ones
all around
I keep needing them.
and she says,
‘what the hell you doing?   nipping
again?’

I have to get up my nerve to
do it
I can’t do it sober.
the other night she said,
‘well, you finally got your cock
in there!’
‘yeah,’ I said, ‘now put some pussy
around that thing!’

all right now, remember, if you
get caught drunk driving again within
2 years you will get at least 48 hours
in jail.   and if it’s a felony drunk
driving you’ll get one to five years.

remember if you drink one can of beer
your blood count is .03

the CHIPS will always be looking
for you
stay off the Harbor Freeway
that’s their happy hunting ground.

Miss Martha, she drives bad when she’s
sober, she’s always mad:
‘save your shit for your class!’
she tells me.

o.k.
my god, how long we been there?
does anybody have the time?
is that all?
you know, I used to teach a
doper class, I think I’m going
back to that.

all right, now we’ve got to
take a test to prove that you
been listening.
remember that the making of
alcohol is a natural and not an
artificial process
you must not drive a car 24
hours after drinking
until your probation is
over.   and under the law of
implied consent you must take a
blood test, a urine test or blow
into the breathalizer or your license is
automatically suspended for 6
months.   don’t worry about the
test
the test is easy
everybody got a pencil?

hmmm…well, look, while you’re working
I’m going to draw this on the
board.   do you recognize
it?
these are the vaginal lips, see?
and this is the old
peehole.
now some guys like this
perfumed.
I like the natural flavor…

but with Miss Martha, see
this hole way down here?   you
know what that is
well, with Miss Martha that hole
is tighter and better than the
other hole.   that is the hole
I use.

remember that in the state of California you
are not considered drunk unless the breathalizer
reads .10
each state has a different
reading.   Arizona, I think has .18 and
in New Mexico they don’t call you drunk
until that breathalizer reads
.22
which would give you and me
a good reason
to live in New Mexico
but the only reason.

you ever noticed cops all look
a certain way?
they take hours getting ready
like they’re going to the
senior prom.
and you noticed their pants
from the back?
they all have heart-shaped asses
they all have Valentine asses
I wonder why that
is?

now, Henry, you’d never make a
cop.   and you neither, Morry.
and, Carlos, no use for you.   now
Lincoln, you get some of that red
out of your face
you might make it
I know it cost you plenty of money
for that red
but you might make it
and, Eddie, you might slip
by
and, Richard, I noticed
you just don’t have a
Valentine ass

have we finished this
test?
pass them to the front

shit, what time is it
anyhow?

you know, I took a vow once
that everytime I took a drink
I’d shave the hair off my
head?
I’ve had 507 self-imposed
haircuts

that Miss Martha, she’s driving
me crazy
I’ve got to slip out for a few

before I can face her
she’s sitting in that big red
chair
waiting
‘Hiram,’ she’ll say, ‘come on and
bulldoze me!’
225 pounds of her waiting and
talking that shit
and just what it would take
to move
ALL THAT ASS
a fucking bulldozer!
when I met her she weighed
168 and now I’m 149 and still
going down like pebbles into the
latrine…

o.k., now, don’t worry about these
tests.
what’s this?
Carlos, it says to circle the correct
answer of a, b, or c, and you’ve
circled all 3 all the way
down.
well, shit, don’t worry because
I guess in a way
you got 100 percent.

all right, this wraps up the
class.

if you’re sick and can’t make
it: PHONE IN!   then we’ll have
something to tell the people.
you’ve got the flu, your house
burned down….   hell, you guys
don’t have houses–your room
burnt down
you had to take your wife
to the madhouse
but PHONE IN!
everybody got the number?
well, shit, they took away
my wheels, I don’t have
wheels
anybody driving south, down
around Santa Barbara and
Arlington?
I need a ride.   Miss Martha
is waiting for me in that
big red chair.

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